The Unsung Heroes Among Us: Caring for the Caregiver

By Nansie Chapman Douglas

November is National Family Caregivers Month, a time to recognize millions of people quietly doing some of the most demanding and important work in our communities.

Family caregivers may not wear uniforms or receive paychecks. They may not think of themselves as heroes. Yet every day they step into situations they never expected and often were never prepared for.

They aren’t fighting dragons. Their battles are different: complicated medical systems, difficult decisions, financial pressures, sleepless nights, fear of the unknown, and the emotional strain of watching someone they love change.

I understand that world because I have lived it for more than 40 years.

My caregiving journey began when my older brother, John, suffered a devastating traumatic brain injury after his vehicle went off the road in Borneo. He was 29 years old. In a moment, the future our family had imagined disappeared.

After months of hospitalization and years of rehabilitation, John eventually came to live with my husband and me. He lived with us for seven years before moving into his own home, where I continued to supervise and support his semi-independent life for many more years.

During those years, I was also navigating a marriage under stress, building businesses, and trying to maintain my own life. I know what it feels like to be exhausted, overwhelmed, frightened, and unsure what to do next.

When the Caregiver’s Body Says “Danger”

One of the most important lessons I learned was that caregiving doesn’t affect only our emotions. It affects our nervous system.

When we live with ongoing uncertainty – waiting for the next phone call, medical crisis, fall, outburst, or change – our bodies can begin operating as though danger is always around the corner.

We live in fight-or-flight.

That survival response is valuable in an emergency. But when it becomes our everyday state, we may experience trouble sleeping, irritability, racing thoughts, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, digestive problems, headaches, or a feeling that we can never completely relax.

Caregivers often tell themselves, “I don’t have time to take care of myself.”

I learned the opposite: I couldn’t continue caring for someone else without learning to care for myself.

Four Practices That Helped Me

Over the years, my professional training and personal experience came together in what I now call my CARE Method:

• Compassion: Offer yourself the same kindness you give the person you care for. Rest is not selfish.
• Acceptance: Recognize what you can and cannot control. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up; it means stopping the exhausting battle with reality.
• Resilience: Give your nervous system opportunities to recover. A walk, slow breathing, meditation, laughter, music, or even a few quiet minutes can help your body move toward rest and recovery.
• Empower: Ask questions. Set boundaries. Seek support. Learn what resources are available. You do not have to carry every responsibility alone.

I hold a master’s degree in clinical psychology and spent 20 years publishing Santa Barbara Family Life magazine. But some of my greatest lessons came from the decades I spent caring for my brother.

Those experiences became my memoir, When the Road Ends, Love Builds a New One, in which each chapter ends with lessons learned from our family’s journey.

This November, as we honor family caregivers, let’s remember something important:

Caregivers need care, too.

If you are caring for someone you love, your well-being is not separate from the caregiving journey. It is part of it.

Sometimes the most courageous thing a caregiver can do is stop, breathe, ask for help, and say, “My life matters, too.”

Nansie Chapman Douglas holds a master’s degree in clinical psychology and has more than 40 years of family caregiving experience. She is the former publisher of Santa Barbara Family Life magazine, author of When the Road Ends, Love Builds a New One, and founder of Care 4 Caregivers.