Who Am I?
Categories: Being a Caregiver
By Karen Grazionale
Hi. I’m Karen. I care for my husband who has traumatic injuries to his brain.
This is how I introduce myself at the beginning of a support group. It reminds me a bit of Alcoholics Anonymous as I go on to tell a short version of my caregiver story. It’s meant to give others a sense of who I am as a caregiver. Of course, there’s so much more to me than that.
When asked to introduce myself before my husband’s accident, I would share my name and, if it was a work thing, my role and how it fit into whatever we were doing. For more personal encounters, I’d share that I’m a wife, mom, and grandmother. Now, the first thing that comes to mind and out of my mouth is that I’m a caregiver who supports my husband who was hit by a car … you get it.
People’s faces change when I say that, and they don’t know how to respond. Some are curious and ask questions, while others share their sorrows. Amid this exchange, all those other things about me get lost or at least lose their importance. Not only to the person who may never know that I’m a grandmother or big sister. It sometimes gets lost to me. I’m still aware that I fill all these other roles, but don’t always have the energy to juggle all of them.
It feels like the role of caregiver hovers over everything, and I must periodically escape to find the other parts of myself. Depending on what’s going on, that escape can look like walking the dog or an afternoon with my youngest granddaughters.
My walks are a bit like meditation where I can just observe and absorb my surroundings. It’s very peaceful and I often feel refreshed afterwards. Time with the girls is high energy with lots of laughter. I learn so much from them and absolutely love seeing them evolve.
I realize that, as my husband and I age, the role that caregiving plays may very well increase. I know that for me to be all those things in a way that’s fulfilling requires changing my perspective. Rather than escaping one role to embrace another one, I need to develop the ability to be multiple things without totally exhausting myself. I want to blend those roles in a way that feels natural. Realizing that change begins with me, I must first think of all those other parts when asked to describe myself. In fact, it may be helpful if I don’t even think of myself as a caregiver at all.
When my husband and I participated in a research study on the impacts of a brain injury to a marital relationship, we were fortunate enough to be in the group that received counseling. One of the things I learned in those counseling sessions was that I was much more focused on being a caregiver than on being a wife. So, I began to focus more on being a wife. The transition wasn’t easy, as so many things about the way we interacted with one another had changed. I now needed to speak succinctly and pause periodically, so he could process what he’d heard. Our level of intimacy had changed. I focused on feeling and being his lover and allowing him to be mine. Those efforts brought us closer as a couple and reintroduced me to the woman I had forgotten.
I now feel more balanced as a person. I know that I am more than a caregiver, wife, and mother. I am a kind and giving individual. Helping others brings me joy. I am organized and disciplined. A clean house makes me smile. I am an introvert. Being alone with a good book and glass of wine comforts me. I fill many roles, while still being me.
Hi. I’m Karen. Who are you?
Amid this exchange, all those other things about me get lost or at least lose their importance. Not only to the person who may never know that I’m a grandmother or big sister. It sometimes gets lost to me. I’m still aware that I fill all these other roles, but don’t always have the energy to juggle all of them.
This article originally appeared in Volume 17, Issue 3 of THE Challenge! published in 2023.