July 2024 Lillian Bailey

January 13, 2013, will forever be remembered as my new beginning at life and the beginning of my personal growth journey to become the person I was meant to be. I had been feeling ill for weeks and in and out of the E.R. for several symptoms like headaches and vertigo. Each time I was sent home only treated for the single symptom and not as a whole because the doctors thought I was too young to be having a stroke.

I was not feeling well, so I found a way to drop my son off at my dad’s early, then returned home. When I got home, I still wasn’t feeling well, so I had an argument with my then boyfriend to stay home because he wanted to go to the store. I absent-mindedly went to the bathroom to take a shower when vertigo hit me so bad, I had to lie on the bathroom floor and close my eyes to keep from getting sick. I hollered to my boyfriend for help. As he was calling 911, I only had enough time to grab a towel so I wasn’t naked, signed “I love you” to him, and then everything went black.

I don’t remember much about my journey at this point. I had some pretty weird dreams, which was my brain’s way of trying to make sense of what I guess was really happening, as well as my twisted thoughts. I was in and out of consciousness the whole time. I was life flighted and I was dreaming being stuck on a plane.

My brother and family worked with me on learning everything again from trying to move my arms and legs to sign language, to write again, even eventually talk. When I was fully aware again, my brain reverted to me being younger. I remembered being physically abused by my step dad, and I refused to believe what had actually happened even though my dad kept telling me the truth. As the days went by and my breathing tubes and trach were removed, I was finally able to see my son without scaring him more than was necessary. I was so excited to see him that I had reached for him which scared him anyway. He was 4 at the time, but I insisted he was a large one year old.

I found out I had a genetic disorder called factor V, which is a blood disorder that causes my blood to run thick. Most people who have factor V live out their lives with little to no treatment other than a blood thinner. There is no reason why I was such a severe case. I think it may have had something to do with my unhealthy go-go lifestyle, having a kid, using hormonal birth control, flying in a plane when I was untreated when younger, and such. I am pretty much a what not to do when you have factor V walking billboard, but to be honest I didn’t know it at the time.

Over the next few years, I would endure trial after trial of therapies and hard work. The doctors kept telling my family that I was not going to make it even after I kept proving them wrong. They were amazed that I kept fighting but were not giving the family any hope or easement. I have a very stubborn streak, and when people tell me no I tend to do it anyway. This mentality has gotten me through most of my life and moments meant to break me, moments that probably would heavily discourage the average person and cause them to give up. I say average because there is no such thing as normal. Everyone has their own idea on what it might mean, but nobody fits into the category. 

The outpatient rehab I am currently at I have been going to for eleven years now. I was in a wheelchair for a chunk of my recovery at the beginning. With a lot of encouragement and determination, I can proudly say that I now can walk most places, like inside, without my cane and on grass or uneven ground with my cane. I can talk at a rate that is understandable but sometimes my brain to speech patterns mess up or I talk too fast to understand. I have hemiparesis (or weakness) of my left side, and as a result I do not have full function of my left arm, but I can move my shoulder and I can grip a little but can’t release. I also live on my own independently without nursing assistance.

I had to go through a lot to have a true understanding of society in general and how skewed peoples’ perspectives are. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is better than ANYONE. I’ve learned to be more patient and accepting as I myself have been on the other side needing the compassion. People who did not understand treated me like I was a bother, or they would look down on me with pity, but I am not someone to be pitied, even now. I have struggled along the way, but with my stubbornness and determination I refused to be told I couldn’t, and me and my family have been told to expect the worst-case scenario the whole way.

Eleven years ago today, my life would never be the same again. Something major was happening to me that was out of my control and God could only take me so far. It was up to me to finish the fight. With sheer determination to get back to my son and resume my life, I never gave up. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am now and to look back at all the obstacles I have overcome, I can say that I am at peace with myself now. I have a long way to go but I am very grateful and thankful for all I have achieved in this short time. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago. I have a new way of life for the better with new friends who make it even better, and I can’t imagine it gets any better. Not too many people can go through everything I have and still be positive, but no one is quite like me!! To all my friends and family who have been there for me and continue to, you are awesome too, thank you, and I love you all.