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Nancy Bauser

May 4, 2012

I have many stories to tell simply because I’ve lived for such a long time since my severe brain injury. I survived, thrived, stumbled and I continue to prosper. I’ve written different versions of my story.

Having sustained my injury when I was 20 years old and a student at the University of Michigan, I returned to school soon after my injury and graduated. A couple of years later, I went to graduate school in social work. Then, I had difficulty working in my chosen profession and keeping any other jobs. So I decided to run away to another state, where I knew no one, to see if I could start a new life!

Unfortunately I was unable to do what I had hoped, so I returned home in early 1980. That’s when I contacted Michigan Rehabilitation Services. That agency sent a therapist to my home to do occupational, vocational and psychological therapy, for two hours twice a week. The therapist helped me to prepare for a secretarial position that I held for 11 and 1/2 months. I just hated the work and got into a disagreement with my boss, who fired me.

It’s pretty peculiar that I could attend a prestigious university and earn a graduate degree, but I couldn’t function fully in the mainstream. Please understand that I could present a very capable, qualified image in a job interview, but I couldn’t function fully in the mainstream. 

If you were observing my behavior at this time, you would have to say that I had severe adjustment difficulties. I wasn’t aware of my deficits and I believed that I could do anything that I set my mint to. Then I decided to start a private practice in social work, so that nobody could fire me again!

I felt that I could help others to reintegrate into the mainstream, because I was getting pretty good at that myself. The practice was sporadically successful for two very trying years. When my last automobile insurance client terminated, I fell apart and the practice collapsed.

Fourteen years post injury, it’s now 1985, I finally realized that I couldn’t do everything that I wanted. I became clinically depressed and began to grieve the loss of a life that I could never have. Then, a different Michigan Rehabilitation Services counselor sent me to a sheltered workshop as an evaluator aide. I worked there for more than 3 years. One morning I got up for work and the next thing I knew, my boyfriend, who is now my husband, was picking me up off the floor.

I’d had my first seizure! The doctor in the emergency room tended to my wounds and sent me to a neurologist. After experiencing s second trauma, first the brain injury and now a seizure, I was furious at myself. I was angry because, once again, I had to find a new way of life and a new place to work.

So, I did what I had done in the past & sought the help of the state, because the driver of the car, in which I was a passenger, had no car insurance (it wasn’t until after my accident that having car insurance became mandatory), I didn’t have the funds to pay for brain injury rehabilitation, because it’s so expensive.

Michigan Rehabilitation Services sent me to the only Brain Injury Rehab program I attended, as a client in 1989. At age 39, I learned a lot. I learned what behaviors I could reasonably expect my a severe closed head injury. I also learned that there were things beyond my control that contributed to my losing so many jobs.

Today I’m over 60 & I’m working in my chosen field of interest, with clearly defined guidelines and goals. I pay better attention to my strengths and weaknesses. I have been working as a Disability Life Coach for some time now. 

As a Life Coach, my primary responsibility is to connect with survivors and break the isolation that so many feel. Then, I ask questions and provide modeling, motivation and support to them & those who support them. Discovering someone’s hopes, dreams & aspirations are critical elements for establishing any kind of relationship. As a social worker and Disability Life Coach, I listen for things to clarify, magnify, and examine more deeply with my clients,

Now I’d like to share with you, the opening statement of the Acceptance Group that I created. It is: Recovery does not mean that you wake up one day and you’re fine. It does not mean that you don’t get confused, and it certainly does not mean that you regain prior to the injury/disability/illness.

Recovery, to a person with an injury/disability or illness, is making progress. Making progress is ACCEPTING your deficits, learning success strategies to help you with those deficits and learning to love and value yourself. 

After that, another participant would read the 5 rules for group behavior. Then, I would ask 5 concrete questions about some aspect of living in the mainstream. At the end of the group session, each participant had to either make a positive self-statement or name a positive change, they had made since their injury, disability or illness. This is the only time people were required to speak.

After all these years, I have to remember that I’m the product of countless tiny changes. From being confined to a bed, to inching my way down the hallway in my parent’s house, to having to relearn how to use the bathroom by myself, to negotiating two steps in-order to get to the family room & kitchen, to holding a part-time, I must say that I absolutely amaze myself.

My recovery process began over 40 years ago and it continues today, three conclusions stand out when I think about acceptance and recovery, they are:

First, I chose one goal at a time to concentrate my efforts on. I was able to put also of small success together and make them into large encouraging triumphs. Second, I continuously different role models so I could try out new ways to do things. Third, I believed that I could achieve my goals and refused to listen, to those who wanted me to lower my expectations of myself.

Acceptance of my injury means that I own all the consequences of my choices, good and bad. I can’t live as active a life as I once had hoped, but I can honestly say that I can do whatever I want, because I’m the one whose changed those wants. 

Allow me to repeat because this is vital information. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT because I’M THE ONE WHO HAS CHANGED THOSE WANTS!

My recovery required persistence through the most devastating defeats that I could imagine. The jobs gained and lost, along with constantly attempting to make a new start and failing repeatedly. All these pressures would lead to my inevitable collapse. Because of my many failures, some people expect less of me. That’s just a reality! I can do nothing about other people’s expectations. I only worry about me and what I do.

I’m pleased to be able to tell you that my story has taken a happier turn. Over twenty-three years ago, I married my best friend and I began to pay better attention to my strengths and weaknesses. Many of the life lessons I learned, I wrote about in my book, Acceptance Groups for Survivors, A Guide for Facilitators.

The book’s purpose is to demonstrate to readers or if survivors are the reader, they can find a way to say to themselves; you are fine just the way you are. You define what recovery means for you & you determine your own timetable for achieving goals. 

Whether a person has a handicap, a disability or they are suffering from an illness, I don’t compare whose situation is the most horrible. They are all bad! My injury, disability or illness is no worse than yours, but it may be different. They are all traumatic and in my opinion, trauma is hell on earth for everyone. Since hell is hell, we’re all in the same boat. What’s important is how I am trying to change my reality. It really doesn’t matter how fast I do that – just that I make an effort.

So many years have passed since I sustained my injury & I still periodically ask myself: is it all worth the struggle? I believe that it is not a sign of illness or insanity to question your own existence in times of distress. It’s just one way of coping. Thinking about and acting on are two very different activities. You can consider anything and not harm yourself or others. You can choose to act only in your own best interests.

When I’m stressed, exhausted & overwhelmed, I make a lot of mistakes. I think that I have little or no will-power. I blame myself for my inability to act the way I want to, all that I’ve accomplished means absolutely nothing, if I can’t overcome the obstacle that seems insurmountable at that particular time.

I have learned that with time, persistence and attention to physical, emotional and intellectual limitations, I can conquer that which is difficult. I’ve also learned to accept myself with all my limitations and remember that Recovery is not only Making Progress, It is Taking One Step! 

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