Friends?
April 25, 2014
“Friends?”
If you want to completely frustrate and anger someone who has suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury, then tell us that we are faking, or making a big deal out of it, or that we should get over it, or it’s all in our heads. Let me tell you something: it is all in our heads, it’s a Brain Injury, dummy!!! And just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not real to us.
Usually, especially given our frequent anger issues and our low frustration threshold, our first response to comments like these might be to start stomping and snorting like a race horse in his stall just before post time. However, rather than resolve anything, our reactions often serve to drive people away and drive ourselves crazy. Behind the outward anger and frustration, these comments make us feel exasperated, hopeless, full of self doubt and ultimately lead to us questioning ourselves. In these situations we feel backed into a corner, unable to rationally respond, and just want to explode. Trouble is, when we get upset like that, nothing is resolved.What is really going on here? The issue here is not that other people are stupid or don’t care, it’s that other people absolutely cannot comprehend the enormity of what has happened to our brain. That’s all. Simple. They have no frame of reference that allows them to even begin to understand what has happened, nor should they be expected to, given where they are coming from, and that is something we need to understand. Even when it is explained to them, they cannot understand. The end result is, other people don’t understand us, and we don’t understand them.
What makes it even harder is that it seems as though our closest friends have the hardest time adapting to the new us. This is very painful. Those of us who have had a Brain Injury have little patience and understanding for friends who question us or abandon us, and because they have done so at a time when we need them, we feel really hurt and angry. Right when we need them!! Why should we be understanding when we are the weakened ones? The last thing we knew these people were our friends and now it seems as though they are stabbing us in the back, and it’s when we are at our weakest and need their support. This is hard to take because it almost seems like they are going out of their way to be bad people.But let’s think for a minute; why were you friends in the first place? A friendship is normally a two way street, meaning that both parties get something from the relationship. A relationship exists because it is mutually beneficial, not because it is good for one person and not good for the other. Nor is this a marriage where, “’til death do us part,” and you’re stuck with each, at least until you get divorced. This is a friendship, and although we like to idealize and romanticize what that friendship is and means, for it to continue, both parties are going to have to continue to get something from it, and it helps for both parties to be on the same wavelength.
You need the friends who care enough about you as a person to be of service, to go through the tough times as well as the good, and who are emotionally equipped for this type of situation. These type of friends are rare, and they are to be treasured. This does not make your other friends bad people. They are just being human, and may not be equipped to be a friend to you after your brain injury. The point is, you can’t count on someone just because they have had the label “friend” in the past. Things have changed.
You need the friends who care enough about you as a person to be of service, to go through the tough times as well as the good, and who are emotionally equipped for this type of situation. These type of friends are rare, and they are to be treasured. This does not make your other friends bad people. They are just being human, and may not be equipped to be a friend to you after your brain injury. The point is, you can’t count on someone just because they have had the label “friend” in the past. Things have changed.
It’s also important to look at how you are with your friends. This can be very hard because you’re bound to have some sort of hard feelings towards them if they aren’t there for you, but carrying around your anger and feelings of rejection is only going to hurt you in the long run. Feeling this way is just going to keep you stuck in the negative, and suck away the good, positive stuff you that you need to get better and live your life. Most of all, you don’t want to get involved in the “blame game”, and make it an “us versus them” kind of thing. While it might feel good to belittle other people because of the way they are treating you, it shows a distinct lack of power, and will leave you living in that powerless state.
This is tough, because you want to feel good and feel powerful, and sometimes being angry is the only way to fight back against the world. It’s asking a lot of you at a time when you may not have a lot to give, but if you can find a way to move past the negative feelings these situations invariably bring, you will be able to direct your energies towards living your life in a more magnanimous and positive way. Being magnanimous, especially to those people who have hurt you without meaning to, will open up your life in ways you didn’t think possible.
You can read more on my blog at www.tbisurvivor.com
Thank you.
You can read more on my blog at www.tbisurvivor.com
Thank you.