What to do if you do have trouble after a brain injury
This is my truth. I have an injury that you cannot see or even begin to imagine. How I’ve learned to manage on this planet is my story to share with others and a gift to you. I will take you on a spiritual and personal healing journey – all done without a brain working properly. My story includes how I managed to not give up my role as a Mom, to have a boyfriend, and to even be an Infinite Being in the world today. I share how I struggled to feel whole and complete as me with this injury and feel worthy as me. This is my story.
On a rainy work day in 2003, April Fool’s day, I drove my son to Montessori school not knowing or expecting what was coming my way. Whip lash so severe I broke teeth. The head shattered dramatically. The other car hadn’t even put on its brake to stop. We weren’t moving when the impact happened. All I could do is look around, and see if my son was okay. I asked the woman to please refrain from cursing. In shock, I took my son to school, and went to work. A few hours later my body seemed to be shutting down on me. Systems were not working, so I had to leave. That day, I had no idea I wouldn’t ever be back as me again.
So that people could understand what I was experiencing, I would tell people that I couldn’t explain where recipes. For at least a year, the doctors could not explain what was happening. My spouse at the time grew angrier with the increased responsibility for home and child which fell to him. My body was in terrible pain from head to toe. I could not care for me or my 3-year-old, Isak. It wasn’t till I met a doctor who explained that I had Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, that I began to make any sense of what was happening. My full-time job now was to fix me, to get me back. Or so I thought.
In 2004 my husband left. I felt terrified about how I’d make it. I didn’t know that I needed him to go, for me to experience less stress. I had outside help to clean and to play with Isak all the time. At one point I sat on the kitchen floor with the pots all around me, and cried praying for a recipe to come back to me. The steps to make a single dish had left me. How was I to survive I’d cry. I’d continue to try to get me back with speech, occupational, and physical therapy multiples time a week. I’d see a vision therapist. I tried vocation rehabilitation. I tried all of these and more, hoping to get myself ready to be work again. Yet life had another plan.
Two years later, 2005, I got the okay to try to back to work. But another accident happened! Isak and I were on our way to the Zoo, and the tire undercarriage of another car shot like a rocket at my driver’s side door. What was God trying to tell me? Had I done something wrong, or got off track? What else did I need to deal with that I hadn’t before? The parts I’d tried to hide? I went to a psychic who saw these crashes as wake up calls for me. I really felt like I was being punished.
Physical movement impaired my functioning. Stimulation hurt. Slow registration my life became a practice of remaining at peace and free, no matter what life brought me. I had a teacher who taught me I still had value doing nothing. We’d work on Presence once a week. He suggested I try energy
medicine. It is in energy medicine that I learned to be clear and present for humanity. What I didn’t know is that my intuition too had grown and I heard messages loudly. The outer world posed lots of challenges for me, yet guided, I always had God looking out for me. Then one day I saw a photo of Byron Katie in a local paper. Her book lay at the office of my teacher. One sentence in Loving What Is changed this life that I live. I no longer had a decision to make that I had faith in the impulses I get every day. Thus began my guided life, and I went from disabled to enabled in a blink of an eye.
I now live with an inner security that everything is fine. Not that it’s anything like the majority of persons’ lives, but this is mine. I wake when I do. I get ready when it feels I’ve got the energy to. One doctor described me having ¼ of the 4 energy stores that most humans have. So I’ve become hyper aware of what is at risk of draining me, when I have no energy to spare. Emotional reactions, visual overstimulation, and audio sensitivity can all lead me to a place of needing to recover for hours, days and weeks, depending on how badly I’ve gone over my threshold.
Physical activity too can take the whole thing. I struggle talking too. You can imagine that my worst challenges are grocery stores of any kind. I’ve shopped with my Mom recently, but before that had groceries delivered. At age 43, how bizarre it is to have to live in a constant state of looking out for myself.
Yet, I can see the gift in this for me. Not ever able to hurry lest I become impaired immediately, has me going at ease, and it’s lovely. How abundant I feel, when I hold space for humanity, and they love my level of understanding. Nine years of cloistered living has given me time to review my life and to return me back to myself another time.
I’ve attempted to get Social Security for 7 years, but haven’t. I’ve been denied twice. From the perspective of the government Higher Authority, I’m seen as “normal” looking. They assume that I am normal by what they see. I can’t prove it, so why could they believe me, humans ask me. Would
space age looking glasses make me more believable to those judging? I looked like a frog with the glasses I was given to help me. The doctor learned from me that periphery is seen not only by looking up and around, but also by facing the ground. He sees me as a poster child for this. Great, science is still learning about the brain. Having to exist on Food Stamps only has made life remaining faithful very important.
My eyes are impaired at night. I don’t drive on interstates most of the time. I try it randomly, and wish I hadn’t given my brain’s slow response to visual stimuli. I made the mistake of insisting on getting to see the Chopra Center, so I drove to it with 6 lanes of traffic. I put my own life at risk, because I didn’t have the motor skills to drive with the needed speed and accuracy. Those closest to me have had to learn my needs. They all forget at times, but it’s up to me to speak up and to advocate for my needs. My Mom now notices noisy places, and doesn’t mind alternative suggestions. My son questions me, not believing me completely. Yet he also sees I’m doing my very best to meet all his needs. His playful nature was a bit challenging at earlier ages, but we’re making life great as we go moment to moment. My boyfriend was kind most of the time, yet he was not wired to catch subtle clues, so I suffered unknowingly trying to keep up with the one I loved.
I don’t feel pain when I should. I get bruised, burnt or even lose toe nails from not getting sensory registration on time. I have to be extra careful or not cook if I’m over my threshold. I can be physically shaky. When I am, I should not work with knives or drive. My issues can be highly inconvenient for some, but I try to remember that is their problem, not mine. Apologies for lack of tolerance and compassion come occasionally. I get to love me just as I am right now, even if my caring for me bothers another human being. I can no longer appease another by sacrificing myself, my energy, or my time. Having a brain injury has led me to treat myself better. My landlady is supportive: she tries to not judge how I spend my life. She does her best to not assume I should be trying something to improve myself. Day after day for 8 years I’ve been living here, mostly alone, mostly indoors.
I’m working to become more powerful than ever before, stepping out for the resources to come, even if I risk you judging. I’ve been told repeatedly that my life story is not easy to hear. My Mom even asked what person would want to hear about my life, given that society hasn’t wanted to speak of such things until now. But we’re in a time of no more secrets. Why can’t I be just as proud of what I overcame as anyone else who’s made her way? I believe in Integrity, Honesty and Total Transparency, and I’ve committed to following my knowing. With God holding my hand I pour on to the page the horrible ways I felt about abuse, abandonment, and an affair. Each time I’d have to work my way back to feeling right with God when I felt undeserving. Like I told you, I’d overcome this obstacle once before; I have dealt with invisible injury hidden within. I was born for Greatness; this hidden stuff won’t be pushed down any more. I pray to understand which for qualities I need to embody Peace and Freedom in the midst of what’s happening. Compassion, Love, Abundance usually come up, yet I know what I really want more is Purity. See what it takes to get me that… Grace.
How would you live without a brain to help out? I’ve learned to trust in the unknown, the uncertain and the fearless aspect of us. I chose to completely surrender to God my life and to follow the unseen feelings I receive. I wake each day not knowing what’s happening. I leap only when I feel the “go” impulse pounding. The unimaginable synchronicity is only possible when I listen. I trust that all my needs are met. The chaotic state ends and arrows of hate don’t get in. The God of me cares about life, the living, and deeply loves everything. Already perfect, nothing to fix, to get, to improve. It’s Fear or Bliss. I chose Bliss.
By Cheryl Rask