by: Al Becker
In April, 1985 I received a head injury from a rolling rock at night while fighting a forest fire. The fact that the fire loosened up and caused the rock to roll down the steep hill and hit me was my only instance of bad luck. It was life-saving lucky that I had a hard hat on and that my co-workers were highly skilled in first aid. After hit by the rock, I was knocked down the hill about fifty feet and my co-workers checked me and immediately administered cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) until my pulse and breathing resumed. After the accident, I was in a comatose condition for one month and remained hospitalized for three months with outpatient assistance for three+ years. It has now been four years since the incident and the following shares some of the consequences from my perspective.
Overall, I have much greater recognition of our mortality in life. Life is very short. I also perceive "time" now as an abstract element of the mind. The long term element of time has a heightened perspective.
In retrospect of the rehabilitation I've had, the physical limitations and consequences initially were difficult to acknowledge and accept. I have no recollection of early phases of physical rehabilitation at all. However, when my memory did somewhat return, I do recall explaining that my leftside partial paralysis was natural because I was a "right handed" person. I am grateful for the persistance and endurance of the physical therapists that worked with me then. Learning "how" to walk again was a gross aspect of my rehabilitation and more refined coordination such as writing, balance, etc. have also demanded attention, as has stamina. As my recovery progressed, I could better relate to my physical rehabilitation needs. We've all been raised with the need to learn how to develop our physical skills to accomplish something or to complete a task. However, I can assure you, it has been a much more foreign experience trying to regain cognitive skills. I've had to work and concentrate on the "process" of thinking. I doubt that many people perceive thinking as a process. Speaking of concentrating, I've had to relearn how to concentrate and maintain attention. This continues to be a very frustrating cognitive aspect of the injury. I experience difficulty in comprehending information as it is presented and integrating related information. I often times, must have it repeated. Often, it cannot be repeated and this elevates the frustration level. Following a plot in a story is very difficult. For example, I have been unable to watch and enjoy any type of movie. It has also been quite an experience in relearning "old" vs. learning "new" information. I suspect that many of these cognitive disabilities are difficult for a normal person to relate to.
There are also a lot of things in life I realize that I took, and most other people take, for granted. Many aspects of memory recall, you take for granted. For example, when leaving a department store, you subconsciously recall where and how you entered as you backtrack to leave. Where you parked your car in the parking lot when you arrived, you subconsciously recall as you leave. I must now consciously imprint items such as this so I can increase my odds of efficiently getting out and finding the car. There is a relative value and ability of memory recall that our society takes for granted. It also is very frustrating with a reduced ability to recognize names with faces. They may "look" familiar, but I can't remember their name. This is something that is probably easy to relate to, however, the occurrance of it for me is very frequent.
It has been frustrating with the amount of time it takes me now to get jobs done at work and at home. On the job, I find that I must constantly assess priorities for job accomplishment. At home, instead of being proactive and construction oriented, all available time and energy is spent on maintenance of facilities and improvements. I am putting forth my greatest effort possible now and it is frustrating knowing that what I accomplished pre-accident versus my capabilities now are significantly less.
I have gained a greater perception of the psychological relationship to life. For example, I often times find myself pondering over; how, why and where people interact, the significance, purpose and basis of life. Assessing and reestablishing values in life has made me more intently realize the significance of "growing up" factors when I was a child, and the weighty, symbolic effect they had. Culture is a learned and very significant aspect of our lives.
I also have a greater awareness of laziness in people. Lazy used to be a more singular adjective. Now, I definitely identify and differentiate being physically lazy and/or mentally lazy.
During the first year or so post accident, I recall getting very fatigued just being awake. Fortunately, that problem as sufficed and I have been able to return to a more normal wake/sleep schedule. However, adequate rest is critical for better cognitive functioning.
I now have a personal perception of speaking and the interrelationship between cognitive and physical functions of speech. Thinking of what you are saying or going to say and then speaking clearly and slowly without slurring takes clear conscious effort. Thinking and then spontaneously expressing myself is difficult. I continue to work on trying to improve my speech.
I have a more indepth realization and personal reflection now of the assertion; "searching for happiness". I can relate to "searching" more. Unfortunately, I'm sure Holly, my wife, can relate more to this also. Besides being intimately involved and part of my rehabilitation phase, she had to also experience the acute phase consciously. Accepting spouse personality changes and indifferent actions are understandably difficult and I need to nurture her understanding and acceptance of my assets and disabilities. It has been depressing and extremely difficult emotionally for her. She feels "trapped".
Some other key problems I have been addressing and dealing with in some regard include; the feeling of having no acceptable choice. I abhor the cognitive problems and I am engulfed in total frustration. However, seeking help or expressing and venting my frustrations is selfish and causes self attention. I have had more than my share of attention and help since the accident occurred. Another problem that I recognize is that I should interact emotionally more with people. Evidently, I've lost some of that capability. I also have a problem keeping up with change. New things in society are easily overwhelming. I recognize a significant reduction in my creditability at home and in my career profession. It is difficult to accept reduced professional and social respect. My memory is poor, but I do remember significantly higher professional creditability. I cannot cast any blame in arrogance. With additional thought processing time, I often see changes needed in some previous judgement I had made.
An analogy to this whole ordeal is looking for something that is lost. I've been looking for something that I lost and/or an answer now for four years. The toilsome aspect is that it is not physical or materialistic in nature and difficult to relate to or quantify. Shattered Dreams is a true description.
It always would have been easier to accept the disabilities and take the easy way out, however, that would also have been selfish on my part. I prefer to be a contributor versus a burden to society. Therefore, I have accepted the cards that have been dealt me, I intend to play this hand and put the best hand forward.